Carla’s Thoughts

  http://crbh-ruminations.blogspot.com/

My little friend of 7 years passed away two weeks ago and today I got another one.  His name is Neo and he is a boarder canary. 

I’ve neglected to post all week long and it has been a long week.  I started my personal trainer this week, Monday and by Tuesday I could hardly walk.  Monday I put my body through the ringer.  I Jazzercised, personal trainer, bowled three games in an hour (makeup) and then walked 3.63 miles.  EGADS!  I was so sore and then Tuesday we worked the upper half and so I was sore all over.  I opted not to bowl on Wednesday or go on the walk on Thursday.  I did, however, on Thursday have an hour and a half long massage then massage for a total of three hours of bliss.  Hurray for me! 

We didn’t get to go to the lake this weekend as we had a full day in town on Saturday.  The great nephew had a 4 year old birthday complete with a jupiter jump and Thomas the Train so we had to attend (I’m so glad my kids are grown).  Then we attended a couples bridal shower of which we were co-hosts.  It was fun but R was confused as this was his first bridal shower (totally a guy).  While all of this is going on we are also granddog sitting for Mondo.  He is a mostly black lab mix and a real sweetheart.  There is a reason we have not replaced our pets as they have passed on and this is no different.  I LOVE animals and really miss my little kitties but doggies are a lot of work and demand a lot of attention.  Mondo is only about 11 months old and is so very good and has NEVER messed in the house (thank goodness) but you still have to scratch and pat and feed and potty and talk baby talk to and worry about.  Yesterday afternoon I threw the frisbie in the backyard for him and I remembered he turned his foot while running for it but didn’t give another thought until last night when we came home.  He was walking around with his foot in the air and crying and whimpering.  I was almost distraught that I could have damaged the little guy and while in my care.  This caused me to question how I would do with a grandkid whenever that time may come and whether Bri would be okay with it.  She does have her issues with me and I never know when she will be upset with me.  She is 28 years old and still can look down on me and condescend in a manner that really pisses me off.  Back to Mondo, this morning he got up and was running after the squirrels with no problem and no limp…thank goodness.

I guess I’ll get back to the title of the blog, Weekend in waiting.  Tuesday I will have my first colonoscopy.  I’m a little tentative about it but I know it has to be done so I wait until tomorrow when I begin the “cleansing” process.  I really don’t look forward to that part of the procedure.  The actual colonoscopy thing is a no brainer but I don’t relish drinking the goop I have to ingest.  Yuck! 

Oh…and on another note:  I received a jury notice on Saturday so I have my first go at jury duty. 

This week has been an absolute blur.  When I came back into town from the lake on Sunday I visited my father and my sister and her son arrived also.  We all intended to visit Lowe’s to find plants for the yard.  It was a fun excursion with Daddy and I think we wore him out.  Back home I was still mourning my broken window in my car but I knew it would be fixed this week,  I just didn’t know it would be Wednesday before it was done.  I ended up driving R’s prized 1979 El Camino that was his step-dad’s.  It was a pretty smooth ride but I sure missed my little red car.  Anyway, I hit the floor Monday morning running.  I went to Jazzercise and after flew home for a bit of breakfast then on to my personal trainer.  EGADS!!!!  He worked me out so very hard on my quads that I thought I was going to DIE!  Later on that day I forgot I had to make a missed bowling day so at 4:00 we bowled 3 games in an hour and then I rushed home to get workout clothes on for the walk at 6pm.  I should have stayed home as it was 3.63 miles and hills.  I could hardly walk by the time I got home and again for the next few days.  Now my biceps and quads are in knots as we did the quads again.  I keep telling myself that it is all worth it but man I hurt.  I’ve had more workouts at Jazzercise and skipped bowling but went to a dance class with R.  Today I finally got a little relief in 3 hours of massage and a facial.  It was glorious.  I have decided that this time in my life is all about me.  I’ve given to R and the business for 32 and 28 years (in that order) and the kiddo’s and friends and service organizations, church, etc.  I’m ready to take care of and pamper me.  I’ve earned it, it is time.  I may only have a short time to be selfish, I mean that if grandkids appear in the next few years then I will again be giving but now there are none.  So R and I can be selfish and I’m enjoying every minute of it. 

I got away early to enjoy the beautiful at the cabin and for my reward the yard guy’s lawnmower threw a rock right through my little red Miata’s driver side window.  Makes me so very mad. 

So today I’ve rallied and gone for a walk and then enjoyed the birds and the beautiful sun.  I took some colorful pictures of some wildflowers and azaleas, iris, dogwood, and Japanese Kierra.  I will share with all. 

My mind today is thinking about my Daddy.  This morning I emailed my Daddy, my sister and brother what I was up to as far as my workouts.  This was in between the workouts so I had not been back to the computer until about 10 am.  On my way to the office my cell phone rang and it was my sister wondering where I was.  I told her I was on my way to the office.  “Oh”, she said.  She thought I was already at the office because of the previous email.  I explained my workout stuff because apparently she didn’t read the email carefully.  Anyway, since I didn’t respond to her responding to her email she thought I was mad.  No I’m not mad, just busy.   She then went on to say that Daddy was upset that he had not heard from me since our daughter’s wedding on March 29.  Well, sis, I talked to Daddy this week and last week, he just doesn’t remember.  She said she had dinner with him last night and he was upset.  She has got to quit falling into his trap of pour little me, no one calls or visits, I’m lonely.  She even started in on brother, saying he hadn’t visited.  I told her that he probably had and that Daddy doesn’t remember.  His days are beginning to run into one another.  She was upset that brother doesn’t really visit that often and I said that it was because Daddy and brother still have some issues that stem from childhood and besides Daddy gripes at him the whole time.  I told her WE needed to stay out of the relationship and if brother doesn’t mend fences and get over it all that is his problem and fault not ours.  The relationship is theirs and we need to butt out, do you hear me, BUTT OUT!  She is the baby and wants to take care of Daddy since Momma is gone and that is fine but he is a big boy and can take care of himself.  He needs to quit relying so much on us.  He’s only 70 years old and really in very good shape.  He relied too much on Momma and now he has sister and she is letting him.  He’s reverting to how his mother used to manipulate him and his sisters.  She totally messed up their relationships forever and I don’t want Daddy to suck Sis into his web.  I see it trying to happen.  Have to keep her straightened out. 

I got to come home from work early today.  My assistant was finally in the office this afternoon so that I could just go home.  I so needed to just be home today.  I’m pretty excited though.  Last night I walked 3.21 miles and today I made an appointment with a personal trainer to begin getting some muscle work in.  I get lots of cardio but not much muscle so I’m really excited.

The past couple of years I have comtemplating what is a friend and what do I want for a friend or out of a friendship.  I will start back a couple of years ago…

March 2006…My oldest daughter and I were visiting the younger girl in Phoenix when I received a phone call from Mr. R that our dear friend Lee had suddenly dropped dead at the tender age of 49 years old.  She left a husband, two grown children and a new granddaughter yet to be born.  She was one of three of my best friends and it just devastated me.  I move on to July of that year when my 1st best friend, my mother finally gave up her fight for life and passed away before my very eyes.  Another blow to ME.  I was more prepared for this one as we all knew it had been coming for a long time.  It has been two years since all this tradegdy and I’m still not over Lee’s death.  Lee and my mother I could talk about anything with, especially Lee.  There was absolutely nothing taboo that we didn’t or couldn’t talk about.  That what I might say would offend her in any way was absurd.  I so miss that kind of a friend.  Now I will go to my third best friend.  Wendy and I have been friends the shortest amount of time, 22 years and have grown up together in our young adult lives raising our children and our husbands.  We are extremely creative together and have had great discussions before.  Wendy and I kind of drifted apart in our beliefs, religious and political and so I tend to keep my opinions to myself and feel overrun with her stance on everything.  The conversation is always detoured to her family and children (grown) when I try to talk about mine.  The problem is that I have always been an excelllent friend.  I’m always on time.  I’m the one who remembers birthdays, events and if we are to meet for lunch.  Yeah, I’ve been left sitting at the restaurant before.  I take extra care in chosing gifts but the gifts I receive from Wendy are from the dollar store and if food, outdated from the dollar store.  For my 50th birthday I got a set of glasses, plain clear glasses, for my 50th.  I would have thought she might have gathered some of our mutual friends for a get together or dinner or something but no.  I suppose I could excuse it by saying that this was all in the middle of my mother’s crisis but really.  I guess I have a warped sense of what friendship is.  I would think that a friend would at least call once a week or at least email.  I would think a friend would sometimes put the friend first instead of dinner with the family that they are with ALL THE TIME.  Just sometimes I would like to be thought of first.  I would like not to find out my best friend has taken a trip to Paris a month after they get back.  What is the deal with this friendship.  Is it one-sided or what.  I don’t get it.  The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when my oldest girl got married and she did attend the wedding but proceeded to try to sneak out of the reception but was caught.  She was going home to host her daughters potential in-laws that popped into town.  I would think you would tell them you had a previous engagement.  Then she proceeded to talk to my daughter and instead of congratulating go on and on about her daughters engagement.  My daughter was incensed and so was I. 

Even though I’m really pissed off by all this bad taste on her part I am reluctant to let go 22 years of friendship especially after Lee and my mother.  I’m very saddened to think that I might have to start making new friends.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have a multitude of friends but these were special friends and I’m deeply saddened.  I feel lonely.  I need a friend that wants to come by for a cup of coffee.  I need a friend that has time for me, not trying to fit me into their busy schedule.  I need a friend who accepts me for who I am, for what I believe without feeling judged, which I truly do.  I need a friend to laugh with, to talk too, to cry with, to trust, to depend on (that is just not there).  I guess I’m seeing the end of this relationship and it is another funeral for me in a sense.  I have vowed not to be the one to call any more.  I’m going to let her come to me.  I’m tired of chasing this friendship down and trying to make it work.  I’m tired of being walked on and forgotten and treated like I’m an afterthought.  I’m better than that and I’m an excellent friend that has been treated badly.  I’m tired of making excuses for her. 

This will be my first post on this website so I hope everyone enjoys.  I have blogged for about 2 years now (on another “spot” and I totally love it. 

This weekend Mr. R and I went to our lake house retreat and in reality sometimes it isn’t a retreat as we stay pretty busy on the weekends.  In this little gated community there are about 109 cabins and there is always a wine bottle being uncorked somewhere on the weekends.  I, myself, polished off a whole bottle of red wine on Friday night alone.  We hosted one of many gatherings that occur on the weekends.  We fed two couples and a single and had a most wonderful time.  I was a little apprehensive because one of the couples we had never had to our cabin and our relationship with them had not been off to a very good start anyway.  They are very nice people and I think genuine.  They are absolutely adorable as a couple and when they bought into the community were nicknamed “Ken and Barbie” because they were just so darn cute.  They were almost like the football captain and the cheerleader as in high school and that is where I think my problems with them started.  It was all me I am sure of it because I had the impression they didn’t like me because that was how I was in high school, in particular him and so I didn’t like them.  I reverted to high school and the idiot kid I was in my thinking, jealous I think.  Friday night was a blast and it truly helped me to get past my infantile thinking that popped up.  Saturday night we were invited to their house for a fish fry and again it was wonderful.  It is amazing how our lives are really an extension of our high school days and how we perceive people comes from how our status was in high school.  I know it is for me and I see it in other people too.  This couple is truly warm and gracious and my inability to get over my preconceived ideas of them are now gone, at least I hope.

The weekend was also spent watching the water rise.  The rains may have stopped but the river has not.  We have a community building and for the third time in two years it is again filled with water.  There is also a dam that was completely covered in water.   Of course I got the pictures backwards.  The first is after the water had risen and the second is before.